Free the Tampon

Let’s play a quick game of word association before we begin: I say ‘period’ and you reply with maybe ‘pain’ or ‘blood’ or ‘cramps’, the general feeling being largely negative (except from the grammar geeks/mildly naive amongst you who think ‘Oooh Punctuation!’ and get all excited and make out with your dictionaries). Let us continue.BloodyDisgrace

There are over 3.5 billion women on the planet and most of us leak a rouge river once a month- unless you’re Leona Lewis who apparently also bleeds love- in order to keep the population going. Mother Nature pops up (in true toast style) rather inconveniently every now and then until we are lumbered with rather pregnancy, menopause or death, why then are our sanitary products taxed as luxury items? Continue reading

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Dressed To Depress

Wow. How excited were we, the general public, to find out there was yet another celebrity gathering (I’d call them award ceremonies but Kanye was there) on Sunday to add to the never ending calendar of fame: the BAFTAs were like a week ago, the Met Gala the week before, the Brits, the Grammys and now the Billboard Music Awards- or BBMAs for the hardcore fans, of which I am not one. Great. Another opportunity to mentally fondle Chrissy Teigen’s cleavage and read reviews pretending ‘we simply lurveeeeee’- quote every teen magazine ever- that $8,000 Chanel cape that has been hand stitched from John Lennon’s hair and left to mature in a battery hen farm for a decade before being modelled by that model who you’ve seen in that modelling thing but can’t quite remember her name. When, truthfully, we couldn’t care less about a blady cape because we’re still stuck calculating the exchange rate. (It would be £5105.50 to save you the Google.)

So here we are. Today’s news. Some women wearing clothes. (Because realistically, they only ever judge the women.) For example, Taylor Swift:Taylor-Swift> Continue reading

That’s a Rap. Or a Vagina. I’m Unsure.

Rap. A genre I’m not particularly familiar with or fond of, but as the world’s last person to join Spotify (I’m still not over tapes), I thought it would be a great opportunity to broaden my musical horizons and try something new. Aka I got a bit carried away with the whole playlists thing and accidentally ended up at rap. We’re 8 songs in and I’ve already concluded this is a genre that could do with a little vajazzling up to say the least, it’s just everso slightly…well see for yourself in my list of

A Handful O’ Things I’ve Learnt From Rap:

 Everyone Has A Bum

rsz_snoop

Peaches N Cream by Snoop Dogg

And may I add not just any bum, but specifically an ‘ass’, because rappers had to rename them when they realised that bums just aren’t sexy. How wrong those people that allegedly know anatomy have been all these years- bums are not for sitting down on and wiggling during the Birdie Song! They are for being sexy, duh. I knew they had another purpose, thanks for uncovering that one Snoop. Drinks on you tonight. Oh wait. I hate you. Continue reading

Four Star Survival

In true Lionel Shriver style: we need to talk about hotel rooms. Despite the many eventualities of the past bank holiday- a wedding, a fever, a child being rescued from a water fountain- I can confirm the four walls of my accommodation were the most exciting. Photo 04-05-2015 20 19 45Especially as you realise, upon arrival, that you always get more beds than you need. Me, a single person (unless you don’t count 16 year olds as people in which case, I’m not judging your personal philosophy but, which delusional driveway did you park your car in this morning) in a room with two king sized beds. THIS IS AMAZING. I could fit the whole IT crowd in here, as well as the 4 remaining members of One Direction (it’s probably a good job one of them left, I’m not sure all that hair product in such a tight proximity is necessarily a good thing). We could all just laze around drinking freebie Earl Grey tea and watching… Continue reading