Twas the nights before Christmas, when all through the house, everyone was admitting, they didn’t have a blady clue what to buy each other. I know how you feel kids. From Black Friday to Panic Saturday, the stress free Christmas shopping window has passed us and now we’re left with scraps worth of days to buy for the other third of the family that we forgot in the initial rounds of purchases. Some people are super easy to buy for- I bought my Dad the first personalised print I could find on Not On The High Street for under £12.99- but when it comes to my friends I am clueless. It’s like, I know you super well for the other 11 months of the year but when it comes to Christmas your minds are unhackable.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
*insert vaguely posh three syllable name*: Oh, I don’t want anything
If we’ve been friends long enough to get to the elite present-giving stage, I am clearly not going to get you a box of air- regardless of how adamant you are. In order to solve this rather sticky situation, I have devised a feminist gift guide, so you’ll end up buying your femmy friends something fabulous this festive season. Unless of course they’re not feminists (in which case why haven’t you thrown photos of Emma Watson at them until they diffuse into their blood stream?) Here are some ideas for last minute Feminifting this Christmas:
Free The Nipple T-Shirts: There are a super easy way to protest against unfair censorship laws AND look qewt af at the same time. I mean, yeah it’s probably hard to look as cute as the model in this picture, but they’re a subtle, inexpensive way to advertise your beliefs. I bought one for a friend this year and she laved it, so blame her if your plan falls through and they’d rather have an iron maiden CD instead.
Fem Lit: The feminist section in Waterstones Brighton has now urban sprawled from one shelf, to a second shelf, to the current situation: a whole bookcase and a table. Everytime I go in I want to exclaim ‘Fellow human beings of which gender is irrelevant because you’re all teamales to me, look how far we’ve come!’ *insert flashback to when there was a single Female Eucharist wedged between the Communist Manifesto and the Postnatal Depression self-help guides* These books make great gifts for anyone interested in the different branches of equality: political (Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay), social (Everyday Sexism by Laura Bates), cultural (Bare Reality by Laura Dodsworth) or the basics (How To Be A Woman by Caitlin Moran- although if you go for this one be prepared to never let anyone slag off jeans ever again). These books have been written by likeminded women specifically to enlighten, educate and entertain us and they’ve spent valuable time, which could’ve been used worshipping their husbands, writing them so it’d be a waste not to encourage each other to read them.
Foam Finger: So you can point at mean people.
Menstrual Cups: One of the greatest memories of my life, and perhaps the ultimate reason why Cobham is my favourite services ever, was when a group of Italian ladies emerged from the toilets with their flies undone and their hands full (this is going somewhere PG I promise) as they washed their menstrual cups in the sink. I have never seen unison more beautiful in all my life. When they were done they popped back into their cubicles and, well, the rest is history- THE most kickass thing I have ever witnessed. My life goal is to recreate that moment so everyone buy your friends menstrual cups please and head down to Cobham ASAP Rocky.
Sandwich Maker: It’s 2015 gals, we don’t have time to make our own lunch. We’re too busy reading Virginia Woolf and swooning over the new Cliff Richard calendar to contemplate getting the bread from the pull out larder, finding the low fat pastrami, making sure the amount of butter doesn’t exceed the daily 70 calories needed to be a Victoria’s Secret model… no. These days are far behind us. Whack out the thickly sliced Warburtons white loaf, lather it in cheese and stick it in the toaster.
Doc Martens: Slash, because they’re so expensive and your friends are (despite what L’oreal think) probably not worth it, similar shoes that my Grandma describes as ‘sensible’ and my Dad as ‘lesbiany’, after all everyone knows feminists are just angry hairy lesbians so would it not be better to embrace it? Granted, if your high heels step on someone’s foot they could do serious toe bruising damage but they also prevent practical things like running for buses and walking down stairs. Imagine throwing a DM at them instead, you could carry a stash of Mary Jane’s around with you and launch them at approaching catcallers- it could be an Olympic sport. Forget javelin and shotput, Rio 2016 is going to be alllll about Femmy Footwear Flinging.
Matches: If you’re completely out of ideas then matches always come in handy to burn some more misogynists. Note that most of these can be found on Reddit.
Or, if none of those float your gravy boat, you can also point them towards my blog for endless feminist fun every Monday (except today, which is Tuesday, but Beyoncé says I’m a grown woman I can do whatever I want so let’s pretend the lateness is intentional). If you liked this post give it a like, follow or comment below and before we part I want to say MERRY CHRISTMAS to my darling readers. I hope you have a good’un!