We’re Talking Periods. Period.

After 50 days of anticipation, I’m finally on my period.

In the words of Lily Allen:

Periods, we all get periods (not factually correct but we’ll sausage roll with it) every month (or 50 days in my case) (I essentially gave up menstruating for Lent) that’s what the theory is

so why then after all these years do we still feel awkward talking about them? From making our parents buy the hygeine gear on our behalf, to disguising our dysmenorrhoea as ‘tummy ache’, as a population we’ve got to admit that we are period phobes. Therefore, I am going to make us talk about Strawberry Jam Disasters to make up for the lack of conversation in the world: the things they make us do, the ways they make us feel and imagehow we can prepare for them (so excited to discuss the app that will change your life).

Before we begin I feel like I should set the mood by explaining the term ‘Strawberry Jam Disaster‘ (sorry if you’re eating). Basically, it involved me, 2012, the white seats of my grandparents caravan- you can see where this is going, right?- and a cheeky leaky of blood. Which caused my grandma to call a family meeting because ‘someone’s spilt jam on the Laura Ashley cushion’. Cue lots of Google searches to find out how to remove JAM from fabric. Jess 1 Periods 0. They have been known as SJDs ever since (and Grandma still doesn’t know the truth).

I’m probably pregnant: Even though I’m clearly not, every month I convince myself that I am the second Virgin Mary- I would birth Jessus, and start a relijion, full of relijess people- but what scares me most is that my doctor wouldn’t believe me. In fact, no one would believe you. How did Mary get round that one? Or more importantly, my period is always late, why do I continue to irrationally believe that I’ve been knocked up by a toilet seat or, worse, by looking at Jamie Dornan’s facial hair. image

Chair checking: This was super important during exam season last year when I was sat behind a variety of different desks in which the seats weren’t red and therefore I had to check after every paper that I hadn’t leaked anyway. The cheeky chair check has soon become a compulsary part of period life (also performed on the mattress protector in the morning once you’ve woken up).

Cramping My Style: The pains are BAD. And because it’s not socially acceptable to tell people I’m on my period, I have to go round telling people I’m ill but-you-can’t-catch-it-so-please-don’t-edge-away-from-me-argh-no-COME-BACK-AND-LOVE-ME-it’s-not-blady-norovirus. It’s also irritating because cramps aren’t seen as a bad enough to be excused from class, even though it feels like my uterus is being used as a football pitch but the ball is a life size replica of the bicycle from ET and instead of footballers they’re members of UKIP. With misogynistic views. And knives. However, I am hopeful that this is changing after ‘Coexist’ announced that they’d be the first company in Britain providing days off for women when they had unbearable period pain. Progress at its finest.

They’re style crampers in other ways aswell. Especially the whole turning your choerently structured days into 8 hour durations in which you try not to catch TSS thing. When the big imageP strikes everything goes a bit tits up really.

The Graveyard of Pants: If there was one element of periods that people were more open about, I would want it to be this. Teamales, how many pairs of pants (British definition) have you silmultaeneously loved and ruined because you shouldn’t be ‘on’ for at least another three days and have woken up caught off guard by Mother Nature once again? I must throw away at least 7 pairs a year (which is like £35 in Topshop terms) for various menstrual related reasons, yet no one ever talks about this! How am I supposed to know if anyone else does this if everyone’s super secret about it? There could be a boyshort recycling point round the corner but I wouldn’t know because this info never gets shared.

I don’t have a Clue: Okay so dis is da gud bit I promise. The app that made my life like 82x easier. Clue. I don’t know how the app store catagorises it (and I can’t be bothered to check but it’s probably under ‘lifesavers’) but it’s honestly so helpful in doing what I thought was impossible: tracking my periods. Normally, I’m like it could be today? Or next week? Or the 17th? So how great is it when Clue predicts it all for me- as well as how productive I’m going to be, what mood I’ll be in and the condition of my hairimage (vital for fringe life). Clue is the period babe and hopefully the key to normalising conversations about menstration. Imagine how beautiful it would be, scrolling through your friend’s phone (pretending you haven’t seen the nudes) and then being like OH KEWL YOU HAVE CLUE TOO and then having a full on chat about mooncups. This is the future.

I hope that this has been at least vaguely #relatable (otherwise it’s just me and my uterus alone chilling in the corner of tampon kingdom) and feel free to comment with some of your cringey period stories so we can bond over womenly stuff. Thank you for reading and I hope you’re all having a bloody good period. (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself)

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14 thoughts on “We’re Talking Periods. Period.

  1. She & the Whale says:

    I love menstration apps!! 🙂 I have been using a birth control app called natural cycles. it actually requires you to measure your tempurature first thing you wake up in the morning and then register it for calculation. It has been super accurate for meand always warns me about 4 days before my period, even that time i didnt ovulate for 70 days… I dont know how it did it but it just knows! 😃 it also reminds me when I should be checking my breasts for unusual changes and tells me statistics about my cycles compare to other women using the app. Little things like this makes me feel like I have my life together 😜

    Like

  2. Jani V says:

    As a medical student, feminist, and incredibly open person, I try to make others comfortable talking about this. I am never ashamed to tell someone I am on my period, tell a professor I need to leave because I have horrible cramps and I am going to go curl myself around a heating pad. I Love this post and thank you for writing it. We NEED to star breaking the stigma around something so natural and common. GREAT post ❤

    XO
    -Jani

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      Yaaaaaas!! Love that attitude. From a biological perspective it never fails to amaze me how something so common has become something to be ashamed of- you wouldn’t be embarrassed about a nose bleed but suddenly periods (which are basically the vagina equivalent) are this massive taboo. Luckily ladies like us are going to change the world one tampon at a time xo Thank you for reading

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Georgia Charlotte says:

    Thank you so much for writing this post. I find it so annoying that everyone’s too embarrassed to talk about periods when they’re so normal, and also something that people need and want advice with! I find it really reassuring that you’ve been so open because I’m quite often worrying about something and of course nobody speaks about it! I’ve done the whole “my periods late, I must be pregnant even though I know full well I can’t be” thing! I find it funny that we do that!
    Again, thanks for writing, I find your posts and your style of writing so engaging and I love reading your blog.
    Georgia xxx
    georgieblue.blogspot.com

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      Ah darling this is so beautiful thank you! At least we know that if one of us is the next Virgin Mary the other one can back them up (or write a new section of the bible about it or something) (although I just read your post about the Danish Girl and the most logical explanation would be Eddie Redmayne’s freckles probably simultaneously impregnating us both) Thank for reading and being all period positive- it’s bloody lovely xo

      Like

    • Jess says:

      YES! I always forget/can’t be bothered to input the data but it’s so worth it when it manages to predict everything inc. how I’ll be feeling (mainly so I can warn people in advance). Thank you for reading xo

      Like

  4. mirrorthelove says:

    I laughed out loud reading this post! I could relate to every single point – even leaking onto furniture! Bahaha! And ruining SO many pairs of pants. (I’ve learned to buy black as much as possible… hides a multitude of sins) I adore the Clue app too. I’ve been using it for a few months now and for me it’s a lifesaver when it comes to PMS. I get it REALLY badly and every single month I think I’m going into a life meltdown for a good 3 days – a week and then the period comes and I’m like… oh, crisis averted. Anyway, Clue has helped me track my PMS and reassure myself that I’m perfectly “normal”.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      Omg! Yes! I do that too- every month I get so sad and worry that I’ll never smile or be happy again (especially when I Google the symptoms and discover I have some self diagnosed Latin named disease which will result in rather death or infertility- I don’t know why but these are always the two outcomes) but then period arrives and I do a little dance (after chucking my pants in the bin obvs). Also I find buying stripy pants really helps because then I can hide the stains with the dark stripes as well as being able to tell how heavy the spillage was with the lighter ones. It’s basically a win:win. A super super niche win:win. Thank you for reading and commenting lovely xo

      Like

  5. Joice J says:

    Wow…Years of blogging this is the first time I read a post about “Periot” It is great post and very informative, and I didn’t know that they have an app for it, I will download it for sure. keep the great job! Anyway, would you like to follow each other on BLOGLOVIN? If you decided to follow me, please let me know so I can follow you back. xoxo

    http://www.love-joice.com

    Like

  6. jellybluesblog95 says:

    Such a true post, I mean people today go around openly talking about their sex lives but yet periods are kept so secretive! Thanks for introducing me to this app too, I’ve just downloaded it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jess says:

      I’ve never thought that before! Omg literally every song in the charts is about sex yet periods are still a massive embarrassing taboo. Super emosh😢 I hope you love Clue as much as I do, inputting data every day can be a bit of a chore (and I always forget oops) but it’s worth it when it manages to predict your menstrual future xo

      Liked by 1 person

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