Boobylicious

Like 72.9% of the time my experience as a woman is like the bit in Lush Life where Zara Larsson goes ‘yeaaaaaahh’ really passionately before the third chorus- the rest of the time, however, is sadly less magical. You see the problem comes when, as a massive advocate for free the nipple, breastfeeding in public and general boob related antics, I have to admit that that is the only massive part about me. Especially biologically. Because I have no boobs. And even though I’ve learnt to appreciate what I’ve got (which didn’t take too long because realistically there’s not a lot there) as the queen of complaining I couldn’t resist a cheeky hopefully #relatable post in order to try and find my people in a world of DDs.

The Small Boob Struggles

Lost at C I always see posts about girls having no boobs and the introduction will read something like ‘honestly, I can’t bear being a C, they’re just so tiny’ and I feel a metaphorical tear roll down my poorly contoured cheeks (the struggles of not being Kim K) because since when was C not goals? Obviously, you have a right to be unhappy because we’re all miserable here but, do you really have to rub that much salt into the wound when you’re at least 2 sizes bigger than me? I mean, come on, Beyoncé is a C. 259D562000000578-2951244-Natural_beauty_Dakota_she_wore_her_brown_locks_in_a_sleek_straig-m-91_1423781373131.jpg

And speaking of Beyoncé, I can’t be the only who spends my life googling celebrity measurements in order to gauge where I sit on the lingerie league table. I give myself double points if my Woman Crush Wednesday is the same size as me and triple if they make it onto a best looking list (Dakota Johnson, Emilia Clarke we got this).

Judging When No Bra Everyone says ‘ahh you’re so lucky you get to go out without a bra’ and even though I acknowledge that in some sense I am lucky, you get so many weird looks when you do I might as well just keep my bra on. Especially when it’s cold. I can’t even deal with those imageoutlines myself let alone come face to face with my 55 year old philosophy teacher and have him looking at the headlights on full beam too. Horrible image. Abort mission feminist. I want to evacuate my mind immediately.

Ultimately, I know it’s awful because this type of stigma is something that Free the Nipple is trying to overcome but right now I can’t pretend that I’m  comfortable doing it all the time. I’d rather encourage people from the comfort of my super push-up bra and maybe join in on a day when I know I’ll only come into contact with my fridge and cats.

There’s Nothing to Shake So what am I supposed to do when Hey Ya! comes on in the club (because I live in 2003) and everyone else is shaking it like a polaroid picture while I just stand on the sidelines like a shatterproof ruler attempting to bop. I feel like this is the main reason why I can’t go to Newcastle. Everyone on Geordie Shore has their weight fabulously distributed across their bodies- I mean they can simultaneously wear boob tube Missguided bodycon dresses and strapless bras without either falling down, are they magicians or is it all that hairspray?

In addition to the above, here is a visual list of tops I cannot wear due to lack of assets:

Realistically, I’m not that bothered about the one that looks like a Converse… or actually the one that looks like Sexy Tarzan but it would be nice to have the option. Just in case I change my mind.

The Regrets (don’t say I didn’t warn you because this is bad)1) googling whether ‘boys liked flatchested girls’ when I was no older than 14 2) finding out ‘a mouthful is more important than a handful’ 3) googling the size of the average mouth 4) I think we can tell where this is going. Why did you do this to yourself bb Jess? And the amount of girls in the sidebar asking the same question makes it apparent that something needs to change re body image. The Waitresses might know what boys like but, who really gives a feck?

I Find Boobs So Interesting and I think/hope this is normal. I’m going to compare it to when 12 year old boys find out periods aren’t when you wee blood and suddenly start asking loads of questions about menstruation, because that’s basically what it’s like. I know boobs exist and now I’m asking the questions (usually accidentally and with my eyes. I’m sorry in advance, they just look so squishy). In the meantime I’ll channel my inner Adele and sing to my boobs, as if they were germinating seeds, and wonder if they’ll ever change ft. the extra size you go up when you’re PMSing which never lasts long enough for you to use to your advantage. If I knew in advance when that would be I could plan all my nights out around that period (see what I did there). rsz_1ads.png

So Teamales, tell me your boob stories whether big or small, I’m all ears (and literally nothing else). Thank you for reading and I hope that if you’re part of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee you did some preachy hands throughout.

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40 thoughts on “Boobylicious

  1. WithLoveCharl says:

    I hear you girl! I’m an A cup too. And I completely agree with you – when people say they’re apart of the itty bitty titty committee but are a C cup -.- I’m like ‘I would have a boob job to become a C cup!’ 🙈
    I’ve also googled them questions.. I’ve literally got a love/hate relationship with them.

    Withlovecharl.co.uk

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      Thank god I’m not the only Google questioner!! Literally I have to delete my search history all the time because it looks so weird to everyone except me.
      Plus C is literally perfection, I don’t understand how people can ever be unhappy with a C I’d wake up every morning and just admire myself. I guess we have to love what we’ve got lol.
      Thank you for the love and the RT on Twitter it means so much xx

      Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      This post has opened me up so much to bigger boob struggles so thank you for sharing! It’s always good to put your problems in perspective- it seems when it comes to boobs they’re a pain any size. Thank you for reading xo

      Like

  2. exhibitunadorned says:

    As a straight guy, I can honestly say that when it comes to boobs size really doesn’t matter – we’re honestly just happy they exist full stop – but like most men I can certainly relate to that teenage feeling of looking down at something and desperately hoping it’ll grow!

    As a blogger, I mainly just wanted to say that this is a really good post – funny, personal, honest, measured and just very well written. Congrats!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      Omg so true, I’d never thought about that similarity between men and women. Maybe we should all just change our concentration to like growing sunflowers or something instead, at least you can control that. Bodies are ultimately just super weird. Thank you for reading and commenting- I’m stalking your blog at the mo and its so cheeky I love it.

      Like

  3. Amy says:

    This post made me laugh, very relatable😂 I’m 18, and only recently could I actually fit into a B cup…it felt like I FINALLY had something there 😂 Definitely know the feeling of the bby teen insecurities, why did we do that to ourselves? It’s not something that matters rly, but sometimes I get bigger-boob envy…then I remember the bad pain some of my large chested friends get and am like, k, no, my boobs are cool. All boobs are good boobs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      Yass all boobs are FAB boobs! Although the boob envy is still real oops. When I’m menstruating I go up a good cup and a half and every single month (I never learn) I think ITS HAPPENED puberty has hit and then a few days later they’re gone and I’m back to square one. Thanks for reading n commenting sugarplum x

      Like

    • Jess says:

      Literally, this is always what happens. Or the media will brand someone like Rihanna as ‘flatchested’ and I’m looking her like nah that’s a solid B that is NOT flat. Us boobless babs have to stick together you know xo

      Like

  4. Naomi says:

    All the preachy hand movements coming from me 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 I’ve never had boobs either, every time you think you’ve accepted it some beautiful voluptuous boobies cross your vision and you find yourself googling the price of boob jobs at midnight. So I feel ya sista x

    P.s. I live in Newcastle and there are more of us than you think 😉 haha

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      Omg you’re from Newcastle AND flatchested AND a cheeky Twitter creep I love you already (and since posting this I’ve visited Newcastle Uni and think it’s the one so I’m basically about to become you too) (but please don’t hog all the internet with your booby googles because I’m going to need to do some of my own❤️) Thanks for reading you babe x

      Like

  5. The Hedgeblog says:

    Jess – I can’t wear any of those outfits BECAUSE I have large boobs! I would be just too embarassed to risk them popping out all over the place! (and possibly getting arrested) Lol.

    It’s a real pain to have to cover them up all the time…

    What a sad pair we are!! 😀 #1stWorldProblems

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      I love love love how this post is making people talk about their boobs because I swear we never get the chance to do that without it feeling weird. I think ‘cupcakes’ is the cutest way to describe them (although I don’t know if I’ll be able to look at actual cake in the same way ever again) plus I can imagine breastfeeding completely changes your perspective on what boobs are for. Ultimately their biological value surpasses their aesthetic- thanks for reading x

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Jess says:

    Very interesting- I can’t say I’ve ever thought of it like that! It makes me feel a bit animalistic but I can’t deny my fascination surrounding evolution. Sometimes it just feels strange that they’re so romanticised when their purpose is to feed babies; it feels like sexualising a tap?

    Like

  7. LibbyMayxo says:

    Loved this post! But I am part of the big titty comitee, I stand too top heavy at 34G 😫 There are a range of clothes I cannot and should not wear haha. Even though I’m at the other end of the spectrum I feel your pain gal! X

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Lauren says:

    I LOVE this post! I’m a 32aa(!!) so my boobs are practically non-existent but I feel like I’m finally beginning to accept them after years of being miserable and insecure. I recently bought a super-plunge neck swimsuit and although it probably “shouldn’t” wear it because I have 0 cleavage I feel AWESOME in it so I’m just gonna go with it!

    (Ps you’re not the only one that Googles celebs measurements – I do too!)

    Lauren X
    Whatlaurendidtoday.blogspot.co.uk

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      YAAAAS Super-plunge for the win! (At least if there’s no boobs then you won’t need all that construction-work-tit-tape to hold them up aka your plunging without the fear of falling out?) I think this is the definitely the best way to be, ultimately boobs aren’t that important and your attitude to emBRAce yours (…see what I did there) is stellar. P.S. Googling your measurements now (jk jk) Thank you for reading xx
      http://halfgirlhalfteacup.com

      Like

  9. emislost says:

    I relate to this on soooo many levels. Like it really annoys me when my friends are like ‘ugh I’m so flatchested’ and I’m just thinking ‘excuse me, your a C. Have you seen me? Literally every single top is too baggy for me and I have to put up with my mum constantly saying ‘aww you don’t even need to wear a bra, you’ve only got little apricots’. Like SERIOUSLY!? That’s really gonna build up my self esteem, mum, thanks. I already feel less feminine than other girls my age due to how thin and uncurvy I am and my messy hair and the fact that I don’t wear make-up. Unfortunately a combination of all of this AND having like no boobs makes everyone see me as a ‘tomboy’. Thanks for writing this great post though! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jess says:

      Ahhh this is such a huge problem, as girls we’re brought up thinking that if we don’t have these assets then we’re not proper women? Or we’re doing it ‘wrong’ or something equally crazy, which is so unfair and completely untrue. Maybe we should just embrace the no bra life (regardless of the child porn vibes) and frolic through life unphased by our APRICOTS (great word). Thank you for reading xx
      http://halfgirlhalfteacup.com

      Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      ‘Kajungas’ where has this been all my life. I also like ‘flumjunkers’ although it sometimes sounds a bit aggressive (boobs are magical not junk yknow). Obviously I’m all for body posi and self love and stuff but I definitely sympathise with big busted women as it’s an asset so glamourised in the media without anyone ever looking at the practical disadvantages or increased harassment that comes with them. Plus I can imagine people rolling their eyes if you complain because you’re considered so ‘lucky’.
      However I’m sure they’re amazing to squish❤️ Thank you for reading and commenting pickle xx

      Like

  10. Synne Sørgjerd says:

    Itty Bitty Titty Committee now and forever, it seems. Although – I’ve often wondered what I’d do if someone went “hey I’ll pay for your boob job”. Because on one hand I’m like ‘all boobs are great boobs!!!!’ but on the other it WOULD eliminate half my insecurities…

    I’ll likely never know. And could I deal with the scrutiny and stigma following someone altering their appearance in such a way? Probably not.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jess says:

      Ahh I feel this! I’m pretty hopeful that my outlook has changed slightly though as when I was little I was all BOOB JOB!!! and now I’ve learnt that if like a third of today’s celebrities can be successful with no boobs then so can I. Thank you for reading (and relating😘) x

      Like

  11. Opher says:

    What strange evolution it is that created boobs. Desmond Morris believes they are buttock substitutes. When we, as hominids, began to walk upright the male eyes were no longer on a level with female buttocks. They selected substitutes. They selected females with fatter rounder breasts as a buttock substitute.
    Makes sense to me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      Very interesting- I can’t say I’ve ever thought of it like that! It makes me feel a bit animalistic but I can’t deny my fascination surrounding evolution. Sometimes it just feels strange that they’re so romanticised when their purpose is to feed babies; it feels like sexualising a tap?

      Like

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