Okay Ladies Now Let’s Get in Menstruation

I’m sorry okay but you can’t let Beyoncé drop the album of the week and then expect me not to make an incredibly poor pun out of it. Fortunately for my uterus, Lemonade was the only thing that dropped this week as my period is late again, however in its absence I thought we could talk about something I have a love/hate relationship with: menstrual cups. image

Now don’t get me wrong, I want to like them. In fact (despite this super long list of reasons why I hate them) I’m actually trying really hard to get used to the idea of essentially putting a mug inside me, especially because they’re so hygienic and cheap and environmentally friendly and feminist and you can pick the colour(! Beat that Tampax). I have friends that use and love them, so hopefully one day I’ll be in that club, but until then, here are my Period Cup Calamities: (yes the font has to be red)

I can never tell if they’ve popped open: For those of you lucky enough to not be aware of how cups work, you basically fold them into an aspiring origami flower and then when they’re ‘in’ they should pop into the shape they were before unfolding. However I can’t feel a bloody (ironically) thing and therefore have no idea when this has happened. The problem is that if they don’t unpop then they leak. And the only thing more traumatic than putting in a menstrual cup is putting in a menstrual cup and finding out you haven’t put it in right until a few hours later when the strawberry jam disaster has ruined your new Jack Wills pants.

They’re always in Korean packaging: Don’t get me wrong I’m sure Korea scores 10/10 for quality holiday destinations  however I’d appreciate if the materials used to make something I’m about to put up my vag were at least a little bit legible. I wouldn’t mind if it was something with the same alphabet, something at least vaguely Google translatable onimage a qwerty keyboard, but unless I’m going to spend hours playing Pictionary in order to decipher the writing then I’ll never know what’s going up. Fingers crossed, eh?

I just want to throw it away: I know that one of the reasons why cups are supposed to surpass tampons and pads is because they’re reusable but I just reallllly want to bin it after every use. Sorry environment. I thought we could be friends but apparently not (I guess I could always try flushing them but then it might end up as an extra in Finding Dory).

The woman that paints with it has forever scarred me: I first came across menstrual cups when I was purchasing one for a friend’s birthday- as in as a gift, it wasn’t like the dress code or anything- and during the initial research period (…lol) I came across a woman that uses the contents of her menstrual cup as a paint pot. I’m all for destigmatising mensuration but now every time I tip my cup out I feel like I’m rather wasting a valuable art supply or not being creative enough.

And speaking of tipping out: You need a sink closeby. As in really closeby. Otherwise thinkimage of all the problems: I take my cup out and then, because there’s no sink in any cubicle except the disabled, I have to leave the toilet to access the sink, but then a) I’ll have to pull my pants and skinny dungarees up for a 30 second diversion (which anyone familiar with dungarees will understand is too much effort to bear) aka what if I leak while I’m tipping it out? And b) how do I explain to someone to not use my toilet while I’m stood at the sink? Surely, they’ll think that I’m done, head towards the loo and then I’ll have to break the tragic news that actually I’m only halfway through my encounter. What if they don’t hear me and I have to tap them on the shoulder and risk getting rogue bits of blood on their nice new Boohoo blouse? Oh Lordy. Although on reflection, nothing from Boohoo is particularly nice so that’s one less thing to worry about.

In order to avoid this I’d have to use the disabled toilet with a sink any time I want to change it at college and this always makes me wee in fear that I’ll open the door to find somebody who is actually disabled and in desperate need of the loo. Are you all seeing Theimage IT Crowd parallels because you should be. Rather that or I won’t be able to get my cup in under 14 minutes (my current quickest) and the queue will snake all the way out the toilets, down the corridor and into the carpark where someone will probably get hit by a Somerfield lorry and it’ll all be my fault.

So Teamales, join me in this menstration formation and share your cup experiences with me because I’m sure they can’t all be that bad: have you ever tried them? Would you be up for it? Are you a tampon or pads kinda gal- maybe even a cheeky sea sponge? Thank you for reading and now go listen to Lemonade. Now.

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14 thoughts on “Okay Ladies Now Let’s Get in Menstruation

  1. sheandthewhale says:

    I’ve been really keen to try these cups since it is said to be a more environmental way than cotton pads/ tampons but now I’m a little skeptical… imagine emptying the cup in the bathroom at work! So much things can go terribly wrong 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      Nooo! Deffo try one out for yourself and then make your own decision. I use it at night sometimes and it’s so hygienic and practical (you don’t need to worry as much about the 8 hour rule like with tampons) so if you get the hang of them, they’re super rewarding. I’d recommend buying a good quality one though, mine was £1 so I can’t really complain that it doesn’t work hehe

      Like

      • She & the Whale says:

        A little update 😀 i just tried my first menscup and it was super easy to insert and almost didnt feel like anything… for about 5 min! After that its always tilts to some strange direction and feel like a pinch in the V. ouch xD and once it also spilled prob because i sat down in a too comfortable position… but I guess the rim was too hard for me. Im gonna do some research and find a softer one!

        Like

  2. TheWebChick says:

    I love menatrual cups actually 🙂 I’m not sure what you’ve purchased, but it seems like the cheap kind… I got a Lunette cup and it works amazing for me! I wrote a review on my blog you can read it if you like.

    https://fabulousfemaleblog.wordpress.com/2016/08/12/menstrual-cup-review-is-it-worth-it/

    Or not… You know ya cool.

    But at the end of the day, it’s all about your body and what you like. If it doesn’t feel right, then feel free to use tampons! Good luck girly ❤ And this was hilarious btw 😄

    Liked by 2 people

    • Jess says:

      Yay I love the period positivity! My best friend is obsessed with her menstrual cup and I’m really jealous, I wish I could be the same. I’ll go and read your review now and maybe it’ll inspire me to invest in a proper cup (opposed to my 50p shipped from Korea one) because I think the ‘not knowing if unfolded once in’ is my biggest problem at the moment and I think that’s a feature of a cheap cup. You don’t want to be wearing something that leaks because it’s not in right when your flow is as heavy as mine❤️ Thank you for reading and commenting b xo

      Like

  3. Sophie ☁ (@milkpopblog) says:

    This post is hilarious and so, so relatable! Like you, I’m trying to get used to a menstrual cup because it’s safer and cleaner and better for the environment, but I find them to be such a hassle! I basically have to remove the clothing from my bottom half and go into a full, deep squat to be able to extract it and that’s not the kind of thing you can do in a tiny public cubicle! I do try to use them if I’m going to be home all day, though.

    xo

    http://www.milkpop.co.uk

    Liked by 1 person

    • Jess says:

      Haha omg I’m the same- I need to be fully awake to put them in too. Sometimes before bed I’m like ‘might just slip it in’ but I’m so tired and end up crying with frustration because I just CAN’T aka time to risk TSS and return to my tampons instead. Might buy a sea sponge and see if that goes any better xx
      http://halfgirlhalfteacup.com

      Like

  4. Elly says:

    Honestly? Menstrual cups terrify me. 😂 It’s the whole concept of ‘how the heck do you get this thing inside’ that gets me, because they just look SO. FREAKIN. WEIRD.
    As for me, I stick to pass because, whilst they’re really kinda gross, they’re easy and there’s not that risk of Toxic Whatever that it always warns you about on tampon boxes 😂

    Liked by 2 people

    • emislost says:

      Yesss Elly I totally agree! Like 1) I don’t get how you position them and 2) I don’t know where you even get them from. Also the thing about reusing them just sounds kinda gross even though it’s environmentally friendly.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Jess says:

      Haha I think they come in different colours to distract you from the fact they look like little suckers on octopus tentacles (or maybe that’s just me!??) I love love love the huge night time pads that (granted) feel like a nappy but at least you know you’re going to get no leakages, but in the day I’m a tampon girl living in fear of getting TSS pretty much all the time. The struggles of womanhood eh? Thanks for reading x
      http://halfgirlhalfteacup.com

      Liked by 1 person

      • Elly says:

        Haha, that’s so weird! I don’t think I’ve ever properly seen one, so I couldn’t say.
        The huge night pads are great when you don’t want leakages, and I just prefer pads because I’m very forgetful and would probably end up forgetting to change a tampon 😳

        Liked by 1 person

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