I received the best email from the babes at Clue (for all of you living under a giant sanitary towel, unless you’re a man in which case your confusion is acceptable, Clue is an app that tracks your period) this week, saying I’d been accepted as one of their ambassadors who do great things like destigmatise menstruation and spread period positivity. Plus they sent me a badge of their logo which I can stick on my sidebar and look like one of those sponsored bloggers who has their shite together. Spoiler alert: if you saw the state of my fringe right now you’d know that this isn’t the case. However, it did get me thinking about my favourite parts of menstruating and thus (#BringBackThus) this post was born.
Tamproblems: 7 Things Only Tampon Fans Understand
1 Tampax are so blady expensive (excuse the pun, I feel this might be a popular one today) but I just lack emotional attachment to other brands. Lil-lets remind me too much of M&S flip flop pattern ‘bras’ from the Angel range and Clarks Daisy Velcro shoes, meanwhile Boots own brand is simply too cheap to consider being ethical. Like babes, what have you put in them to make them cost less than penny sweets? What are you trying to do to my vagina? Team Tampax every time.
2 Checking the time every 30 seconds to check it hasn’t been 8 hours yet. People think our generation are addicted to their phones but really we’re just overly cautious about out tampon timings. You might want to risk TSS but I’m not a fan.
3 Speaking of TSS, and I’m sorry if this is really insensitive but, has anyone actually ever had it? Or is it one of those stories that companies use, like a primary school teachers’ ‘at my last school there was a child that swung on their chair and cracked their head open’, to scare you so that you use more tamps and therefore buy more? If so, it’s a really inconsiderate tale because I have to accommodate my sleep around toxins which I don’t even know exist.
4 Sizing. I once asked (or maybe I should say ‘challenged’ because, ultimately, it was a challenge) a boy to buy me tampons and he came back with a box of Tampax- 10 points for the right brand, plastic applicator and the fact you’ve just spent about £3 on me- but the regular ones. Regular. I know I look like a sunshine soul but those yellow things just aren’t going to cut it for this flow babe. ‘I thought it was one size fits all,’ he said, pulling the same face of disappointment that I do with tights.
5 Plus, the yellow ones fall out. I’ve never met anyone else this happens to so maybe my wonderfully evolved vagina has just become too content with Super Plus that anything less feels disappointing. Not a euphemism. We’re not even after the watershed yet.
6 There is a hierarchy of applicators. Obviously, the hierarchy depends on your favoured applicator but because I’m right about most things, I’m sure my depiction of this situation will be the most accurate as well.
Superior: plastic. Probably the worst for the environment but also super plus fun to have tampon firing competitions with and see how far the applicator can fling them. And they come in funky colours, it’s a win:win situation.
Middle ground: no applicator. I’m not a fan but at least they’re not selling themselves as something that they’re not. We all know that ‘no applicator’ is code for ‘suckin it up and using my finger’ so at least users know what they’re getting themselves into, unlike
Peasants: cardboard. I accidentally buy these all the time (Tampax do this selection box of tampons which I bought the other day until I realised a. the purple and yellow ones don’t fit aka they are the unwanted eclairs left after everyone’s eaten all the Heroes and b. they’re cardboard applicators. Ew. No.) The paper congeals as soon as it touches the blood so it ends up looking like Midsomer Murders does papier mâché and if you’re super unlucky, it gets so floppy that you have to remove said tamp from said failed applicator and stick it in manually. They might be biodegradable but it would help if they waited until after I’d used them to disintegrate.
7 The fact you get taxed on them is a bloody disgrace. I wrote a whole post about this here where you can find out how much money you’d save if you didn’t have to pay luxury tax. Warning: if you couldn’t afford a holiday last year, it might make a sensitive read.
Obvs they are my bbs and therefore I will love them forever but Teamales I’d be curious to know what your tamproblems are. Ooh and if you haven’t already voted in the #BloggersBlogAwards are now open for nominees (link here) it’s a great way to tell all your favourite blogs you like them and if you’re stuck on who to nominate for Best New Blogger (so awks it’s literally the only category I fit into this is the problem with being niche) then you could… always just… put me. Save some brain cells. If you want to. I’m smiling endearingly I promise.