Summer has officially hit Britain- and so has all the BS that comes with it. Luckily, we can navigate this together, and with the help of my incredible new illustrator, name twin and Twitter bestie, Jesse Howarth who’s going to be saving you from witnessing my awful blog photos as much as she can. You can follow her on Twitter here or Instagram here and be sure to give her lots o’ luv in the comments because she is Queen Babe.
The Bikini Buying BS: Despite what the Black Eyed Peas soundtracked shopping montage in every rom com tells us, bikini buying is impossible. Not only do shops seem to stop stocking them by August aka when I need one, but they’ve starting doing this ‘set’ business. My body is not a set, it’s a custom made ASOS marketplace order, so please don’t tell me that the size 8 bottoms will fit my size 12 arse simply because I need a size 8 top. Even the top sizing system alone makes no sense- like, what’s a size 10 cup? I don’t waltz into an M&S bra fitting expecting to be measured as an ‘8’ so why do this with bikini tops? In fact, why not just make bras waterproof and save the agro.The Shaving BS: If summer doesn’t already leave you panicked at the prospect of removing all bodily hair, Veet have gone and added to the pressure with their BS new advert*. “You have to be bikini ready!” the woman, who genuinely considers not getting into a pool because she can’t remember if she’s got her Brazilian on, tells us. WTF? Obviously, Veet have to make everyone feel really insecure about body hair in order to sell products however hair removal is a choice, not a have to. And anyway, who are you to define ‘bikini ready’ as ‘having spent 29 minutes in the shower running your Wilkinson Sword Quattro over your labia’? You put on a bikini and you’re ready, simples.
*Update: apparently this ad has been around for a while (nice to know I keep up with the times) and there are no links online, however if you watch Fresh Meat on 4oD you should see it.
The Fringe BS: It’s my first Summer with a fringe and apart from waking up in the morning, looking like a hair substitute for the lion king, and feeling like I’ve got overly milky Weetabix stuck to my forehead, it’s holding up pretty well. Like Beyoncé’s latest single. But simultaneously nothing like Beyoncé’s latest single because that was a huge success and made her loads of money.
The Summer Period BS: Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimised by a heatwave period (don’t actually raise your hand because you’ll look like a bit of a knob but know that, metaphorically, my hand is raised too). Thanks Mother Nature, not only is my vag sweating from the super maxi tampons but I have to keep checking that I haven’t strawberry-jam-disastered on my white shorts- which also happen to be a third of my whole short collection aka you bleed on these your summer wardrobe is ruined.
The Short BS: Speaking of shorts, it’s that time of year again where girls are verbally assaulted for wearing weather appropriate clothing. So psyched. Can’t wait. Might even start handing out business cards for Pornhub so that they can take their wrinkly, grandfather cocks and wank somewhere that isn’t my white, period stained shorts.
The Tanline BS: I’ve done what every great feminist strives to do: I’ve found the perfect spot in the garden where the neighbours can’t see me sunbathe topless, which is quite an achievement considering it’s a square. Previously, it was thought that this could cause breast cancer, but actually the touching yourself up- otherwise known as sun creaming- beforehand is a great excuse to feel for lumps. Saving your life and avoiding boob sweat? It’s win:win.
The Makeup BS: I can’t tell if I admire or hate everyone still wearing makeup. Although tbh the sun has me squinting so badly that I can’t tell my mum from an empty bottle of Pinot Grigio, let alone how much Naked Palette you’ve got on your eyelids. Unless my face is being opened as the next Aqualand, makeup just feels wasted on me at the moment (especially when this foundation cost £27, I did not sell my soul to Urban Decay to have it refunded back to me via orange tinted sweat). Even when it is cool enough to wear, has anyone else tanned too much that their foundation is now 3 shades too light and makes them look like they’ve been attacked by a bottle of squirty cream? I’m with you bbs, I’m with you.
Teamales, if you feel preachy hands about any of these summer scenarios, or if I’ve missed any that you’re feeling rn, then comment below.