British people seem to be the most awkward ever, combine that with sex- one of the most awkward topics of all- and you have a rather cringe sensitive scene. Here are how I’ve noticed different types of people tackle the s-bomb:
The Discreet One: Possibly Britain’s native type. This can include anything from merely agreeing with what everyone else says (‘Yeah! Same!’ No Val, it wasn’t the same because he’s my boyf. Find your own story.) to using so many innuendos that I get lost in the supermarket of sound and end up feeling like I’m deciphering a modernist John Donne poem rather than the basis for a future erotic novel. For example, I once had a friend who replaced the names for all reproductive anatomy, periods and even boobs with ‘badobadom’. Do you understand how confusing that could get? It sounded like she was haunted by the drum solo from that I can feel it comingggg in the air tonight song every day.
The One Who Describe It As A Porno: Come on Sandra, we all know he didn’t stop halfway through to run his fingers through his hair and start serenading you in Italian, you shagged a kid who dresses like an East 17 reject not blady Antonio Banderas.
The One Who Goes For Coffee: I have a friend who uses ‘coffee’ as her go to innuendo which is fine for her but now I’m Kevin McCloud level skeptical of anyone going for coffee. Like, are you really going for coffee? Or will I be escorting you to the nearest pharmacy afterwards? Is this a bog-standard coffee trip or a pumpkin spiced frappuccino over ice kind of coffee? WHAT ABOUT TEA? Literally, never entering a Costa again, God know what everyone’s doing in there. Continue reading