I feel like everyone hates periods. And this makes me really sad because, although they’re messy, painful, inconvenient, expensive, and considered taboo pretty much everywhere, I’m a big fan. Often it seems people overlook the joys of menstruating, so here’s a cheeky reminder of the period perks.
Period Boobs: Are the bomb. For 25 days of the month I’m looking in the mirror wondering how there are falafels bigger than my boobs and then bam my period hits and I have five days of feeling like Emily Ratajkowski in the Blurred Lines music video. Obviously the transformation isn’t that huge, but to me it feels like the Kylie Jenner boob job drama all over again. Who needs surgery when you can just menstruate instead?
Having An Excuse Not To Do Anything: Fuck all those articles that are like studies show that women who exercise for 62 hours a day whilst menstruating reduce their PMS symptoms by 3% (we all know that sociologists are probably just meninists in disguise anyway) because periods are the perfect excuse to sit on the sofa eating Ben and Jerry’s and catching up on the box set that you’ve managed to become two seasons behind on- cough cough Game of Thrones. Plus it means that every time you’re asked to contribute to housework or homework you can just clutch your stomach and maybe dramatically let a menstrual cup fall out your pocket and soon people will get the hint that you’re out of action for the next few days. Or weeks, depending on how long you milk it.
Throwing Away Pants Which Means You Can Go Out And Buy New, Better, Less Stained Pants: It’s always really sad having to throw away your 2013 M&S Christmas knickers when you wake up to a surprise strawberry jam disaster, however I’ve learnt to appreciate the silver lining of the situation: new pants. And these ones can be even more M&S-y than the last pair. Maybe even throw a pack of socks into your basket while you’re there just to treat yourself.
Being Able To Tell Clue/Other Period Tracking Apps You May Use: There’s nothing more exciting (except maybe a new Carpool Karaoke or learning how to do a Daenerys Targaryen hairstyle) than hitting that ‘heavy flow’ button and instantly getting an email analysing your latest cycle like it’s a GCSE English essay. Only problem is I set my phone in German to try and expand my vocab but now I can’t read what any of the words mean.
PARACETAMOL: Any other time of the month I ration my 16p box of painkillers to half a pill if I’ve got a headache and maybe a whole pill on the rare occasion that I’m actually dying, but then the second a I see a lil bit of blood I’m popping two pills every four hours to get through the pain. Which sounds bad, but actually it gets rid of all the other pains as well. You don’t realise how much you’re hurting until you’ve numbed all your pain receptors.
Having An Array Of Tampons To Give To Friends if they need them: Don’t get me wrong, I always carry two spare tampons, usually the green ones because the yellow have a tendency to fall out- just me? Thought so- but when I’m on my period this collection increases so that I carry spares in every size, of every brand and even a few pads as well. I’m like a walking Superdrug.
(Warning: your generosity will be majorly taken advantage of. It’s not like when someone forgets their lunch money and you can just be like ‘Oh Samantha I’m SO sorry I literally have NO change on me rn’ even though you have a £5 note tucked in your bra- no one wants to be the bitch that refused to give a girl she doesn’t really like a tampon, otherwise you’ll just feel super guilty when she bleeds all over her Primark leggings. Okay yes it’s only Primark but girls don’t let other girls bleed on their clothes, regardless of whether the shop they’re from uses child labour or not.)