I don’t really have an opinion on Valentine’s Day- most likely because my uranium heart is only capable of loving myself and The Great British Bake Off- but when it comes to gifting I’m like the present police. I’ve noticed that on V-Day people are exchanging gifts that you’d need a PhD in Cringe to understand, so I thought I’d compile a list of pressies that I don’t get (both physically and metaphorically):
P.S. If you received any of the things on this list then I still love you (unlike, perhaps, your partner) (that was a joke) I just had to write something Valentine related and this is the first thing that came to mind xo
Giant Teddy Bears: Don’t get me wrong my Build a Bear was pretty much my only friend up until 2011- if only they had some kind of human Build a Bae version eh- but she wasn’t the size of a baby elephant. I look at men lugging huge, stuffed animals through town and can’t help but think about the custom made IKEA storage solution they’ll need just to home it. Then once it’s in your house, other than recreating your first date to Chester Zoo, what’s its actual purpose? Surely, your other half will just end up cuddling it more than you, in order to get value for money. The impracticality is beyond me.
CDs: They’re just a bit vintage now, yknow. Make them a Spotify playlist available offline or something instead.
Massive Cards (Bonus minus points if they say Wuv You or I’m You’res): Addressing the most important issue first- how do you post them? My postman can’t get my Feel Unique order through the letterbox let alone a piece of cardboard that’s three times the size of the door. And would it travel with a large letter stamp or is it too much of a large letter to be considered a large letter? But the thing is, even if it does make it inside the house, we have the same problem as the giant teddy: where’s it going to go? I doubt even the Duchess of Cambridge has a mantelpiece that big (Sounded like an innuendo. Wasn’t.) so you’d have to have the card accompanied with a pocket-sized interior designer who could rejig all your furniture to fit your new focal point. And the bear. Struggles.
Flowers: They die.
Sexy Underwear In The Wrong Size Because That’s What The Shop Assistant In Ann Summers Told You To Get: I love both the effort and level of cheekiness associated with this gesture but so often the outcome is something impractically lacy with too many buttons in three cups bigger than you actually are. If you’re going to get someone underwear for V-day then at least have a rummage through their drawers beforehand so you have a gist of what their measurements are- even ask their friends if you have to. But do not, I repeat do not expect the sales rep to know what you’re on about when you say ‘she’s got a pretty normal shape.’
Heart Shaped Krispy Kremes: Just a theory but, I reckon that the dent in the top means you get less filling than in the round version of the doughnut, which is the least loving thing a company can sell me for Valentines.
Going To The Cinema: Unless you’re getting touched up in the back row during Fifty Shades Darker in which case you go girl, the cinema seems like a weird choice for a romantic getaway. The most loving day of the year and you’re going to spend it sitting in silence for 2 hours while a couple, probably way hotter than both of you, get it on on-screen. Or worse, you go and watch something really cultured like Lion and then spend the rest of the night ugly crying all your makeup off. I guess at least you can buy each other pic n mix to make up for it.
Teamales, how will you be spending Valentines/Galentines/Palentines? If your day featured any of the above then I hope you enjoyed said thing and if not I hope you appreciate your lucky escape. Comment below with your V-Day thoughts…